Friday, December 14, 2007
ready for this?
jesse and becky wanted to take me out for birthday dinner so we went to this place called purple downtown and had the most amazing 3 hour long dinner ever.
we started with cocktails.
a french 75 for becky, an old-fashioned for jess, a sidecar for me
then small plates.
gorgonzola stuffed dates with pine nuts and saba, celery root and gruyere custard with pear, bitter greens and port reduction, ahi tuna tartare with lupini beans and charred scallion vinaigrette, porcini brown butter cake with mascarpone mousse and
pistachio gremolata, duck confit with le puy lentils and pickled red onion, wild mushroom strudel puff pastry and roasted pepper coulis.
we took our time with these. each had such a beautiful flavor, my god it was awesome. the small plates were quite small, but the taste was so huge, it felt like
you were eating a whole lot more.
then, cheeses with wine pairings, and for extra measure to add flavor sensations:
sliced apple, quince paste, marcona almonds, marinated olives, and a honeycomb.
half a glass of wine for each pairing, one for each of us, but we all tasted each of them with the cheeses as we picked at all of them. the cheese board came with thin dry cracker bread, and the extras were delish.
then dessert with wine pairings.
syrah brownie (as in the wine), pumpkin creme brulee with prieuré d’arche, chai bread pudding and brown butter chestnuts with a moscato, molasses stout cake, candied ginger and butterscotch sauce with a madeira, and carrot cardamom gelato and carrot cake.
yes, five desserts. again, they were small, but packed a punch. and three half glasses of wine to go with. the bread pudding and its wine and the molasses stout
cake and its wine were super amazing...and the brownie didnt need the wine with it, cuz it was already there as a sauce. that was perfect.
and then, after dinner drinks:
becky had tea and fernet branca, jess had averna amaro, and i had pastis
then we were giddy and satisfied and ready to go home.
and, get this: they paid for it. i told them i would only be willing to not pay if they promised that we could do this same thing for each of their birthdays
too. they agreed. we will now do an amazing dinner for each of our birthdays every year we live together. woot!
but yeah, that was kinda draining and energizing at the same time. i felt so good afterwards, but was really ready for bed. we got there around 7:30 and left at around 11:30. so, wow, thats 4 hours.
while we were there we had a conversation around luxury and privilege and taking things for granted and money and what we use it for. i have a very strong desire to have a really nice meal once in a while and am happy when i have enough money to do so but tho i hope to always have money for that, i will never be the kind of person that takes that sort of luxury for granted. i think partially this has to do with my catholic upbringing. i have very strong associations around eating with other people. thats the center of the catholic mass--breaking bread together. for me, to be able to make food for other people or to take them out to a nice meal and sit and enjoy it together is a really necessary and important, dare i say spiritual, need in me. and because of that im always going to be very present to the meal. both the people and the food. and last night we were very intentional with each bite and sip and it felt really good to be paying that close attention to everything, including each other. not forgetting the atmosphere too, which was kinda weird and felt like it was full of people who were not paying attention to much. ugh.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
i gotta tell ya, im really excited about the golden compass movie. i know there are purists out there that are upset about it and are boycotting it and all that kinda crap, but hot damn, itll be pretty!
its playing at the cinerama here in seattle (big screen, what!) so i think we should get a group to go.
and if youve read the books and are as excited as i am, you should play this game and then tell me what your daemon is. cuz its kinda crazy. i mean, 20 questions and you know what my soul looks like? yeah, right. but still, its kinda cool.
and if you havent read the books, lemme know so i can get you a copy of the first one, stat. then you must read it (well, all three of them) immediately, and then we can talk.
but until then...
every person in the world of these books has a part of them, a daemon familiar, that is a separate entity outside of themselves and takes animal form. when growing up (until puberty or, more correctly, loss of innocence) children's daemons can change shape depending on mood or necessity. your daemon's form is very indicative of your personality and can betray what you are thinking/your motives more easily than your face. it always takes the form of the "opposite" sex as yourself and thinks separate thoughts and has separate emotions and sometimes separate experiences than you, but you two are of the same stuff, you share a soul and the connection between you is the strongest bond in nature and you cannot be physically separated by more than maybe ten feet (unless you are a witch...) or you both will feel physical pain--your hearts will ache severely and you will get nauseated to the extreme.
upon reaching maturity, your daemon will settle into a specific animal form and no longer change at whim. this form speaks volumes as to the type of person you are. so this means that people, upon first meeting you, can learn a lot about you just by looking at your daemon. which is kinda disconcerting to me, but well, its a fantasy world and is supposed to be working on image-based metaphors, so i should just let it go.
but this idea of having a daemon made its way into my psyche somehow, and i really do think of the world in terms of what type of daemon people have. its the first question i ask people when i learn they have read the books: whats your daemon look like?
once my friend shoe (or 'xiu') asked me what my three favorite animals were, and why. and i thought about it for a second and answered as follows (i think this was the right order):
the raven, cuz it is a big, awe-inspiring dark thing that is so striking against the sky. and its loud. and it can FLY, for gods sake. and it has been a nickname of mine starting in jr high. (and i love e.a.poe.)
the fox, cuz it is effing beautiful, and mysterious and nimble and wiley. like a wolf and a cat mixed, or something. and my moms maiden name is fox. and well, to tell you the truth, i was in love with the disney robin hood as a child. (ive always had a thing for red-heads...)
the raccoon, cuz it is cute and playful and smart and stubborn. and in grade school i had a dream that became a story about where their masks and tail-rings came from. one of my best pieces of writing as a kid. and i once bonded with a roving family of raccoons in grinnell. we shared some ice cream.
After I answered, he smiled and told me that it was a psychological test. The first animal was how I see myself, the second how I am seen by others, and the third is who I really am.
at which point i laughed ruefully and became totally amused that i tend to go by 'rayvan fox' and wear a grey and white hat with black ears attached to it...sheesh.
[drawing by clyde petersen]
and now this game has told me i am:
spontaneous, modest, competitive, sociable and fickle.
(which, you know, is not wrong...per se...)
and therefore, i have a jackal daemon. named cleon.
(how close are jackals to foxes? pretty damned near, id say...)
a jackal sounds slightly more sinister, but maybe its just trying to be a combination of a raven, a fox and a raccoon. ah, well. ill take it.
(i think i got an ermine before, when i took it months ago when i first learned about the movie website...but i always said my daemon hadnt settled yet...)
Monday, November 19, 2007
now, in the past 2 weeks i have #1--had a nasty case of the flu that laid my out for 3 days straight. #2--had my computer completely collapse on me and had to save the files and reload my operating system and download all my applications again (im still scared to try to put all my music from my ipod back on my itunes, but soon...) and now, (drumroll please...) #3. yep. you guessed it. dancing at sunset house on friday, my knee gave out, in the same way it did 3 years ago. i dont understand, but its excruciating. its like a tendon slid underneath my kneecap and is resting on a nerve. and it gets more painful the more i unbend my knee. shitty. and makes me immobile. crap.
so, ive been hopping around my house all weekend, and my housemates have been angels, and i am bored out of my gourd and ingesting stupid amounts of painkillers.
so this is what i have run across on the interweb to distract me. my two new favorite music videos:
holla if you wanna distract me with something.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Subject: cuz its free
Sorry I never got back to you last night. Hope you enjoyed
the flicker bout Kurt.
What do you think of the new Radiohead? and don't tell me
you haven't heard it!
subject: re: cuz its free
> Sorry I never got back to you last night. Hope you
> enjoyed the flicker bout Kurt.
i did. it was great. he didnt say anything i didnt already
know, but it was beautiful and so great to hear his own
voice saying it. images of aberdeen and olympia and
seattle, people places and things. Didnt see his face till
the last 30 seconds. none of his music. all bands that he
liked was influenced by or got to introduce to the world.
it was really awesome.
> What do you think of the new Radiohead? and don't
> tell me you haven't heard it!
we played it yesterday during our 'crafternoon' which was
really fun, but it was my first listen and it was
background music for interaction. but now that i have it
in my head a bit i will give it a good listen and tell you
what i think...
speaking of that--the idea that it takes a bit for your
brain to register and order new sound so you can under-
stand it--we listened to this most amazing radio program
on the radiolab website that blew my mind 7 times in the
hearing. its about music and the brain. and its fucking
fascinating. for real. listen by yourself or in a room
that you can make noises while listening cuz itll cause
them. it talks about perfect pitch and tonal languages,
it talks about sound as touch and how it works in the
brain, it talks about dissonance and how we assimilate
it, it talks about everything. its amazing. PLEASE
listen to it. if only for the editing genius of it.
so, you listen to radiolab, ill listen to radiohead and we
will get back to each other.
subject: four limbs simultaneously
this is me playing drums.
1 2 3 4 1
hi x x x x x x x oXo x
snare x x
bass x x x x
(where oXo is hit with hi hat open.)
check out the double hit on the bass drum.
im very proud of this beat and the fact that i can do
all four limbs at once after just a couple hours practice
okay. ill stop bugging you with my drum-mania now.
subject: re: four limbs simultaneously
Rockin! Sounds great!
I'm going to be teaching official drum lessons to Terisa
(remember her?) starting on Sunday.
If I come across any amazing teaching techniques, I'll be
sure to send them your way. Looks like you're on the right
subject: re: four limbs simultaneously
> Rockin! Sounds great!
thanks for being enthusiastic. you are the best.
> I'm going to be teaching official drum lessons to
> Terisa (remember her?) starting on Sunday.
the one with the stellarly beautiful and magical child?
that sounds fun.
you know, you could prolly make a good amount of money
giving drum lessons, if you wanted to...
> If I come across any amazing teaching techniques,
> I'll be sure to send them your way. Looks
> like you're on the right track though!
it just feels really good/right to be playing them. when
you get into the rhythm and arent thinking about it and
it flows, it feels good. like when i finally figure out
a sam beam picking pattern and can do it in real time.
speaking of him, have you heard the new iron and wine?
im totally disappointed. :( too many effects on the
vocals and too many vocal tracks layered on top of each
other. and the energy feels too light and not substantial
enough. i cant sink my teeth into most of the tracks.
there isnt breathing room. (sort of literally, you know
how he uses his breath as a percussive instrument...)
oh, and i gave Radiohead a good listen or two yesterday,
and i have to say it feels a bit derivative. nothing that
feels super new and interesting. a lot of the same sounds
and energy of kid a and eraser, nothing that blew my socks
off. And thats what they used to do to me. in fact, there
are songs on the bends and ok computer that still make me
want to scream and throw myself around. and i havent found
any of that on the new album, which is kinda sad.
you said it! they make me so excited! (and sore...my
shoulders are gonna be so buff soon...heh)
did i tell you im gonna try to start a band with my
housemates? ill let you know how it turns out...
anyway, have a good day, pal.
subject: re: four limbs simultaneously
Wow. I think you've hit the nail on the head with both
those records (although I haven't really heard the I and W
one too much yet). You should write for pitchfork or
something. Do yourself a favor and go back to track 3,
It's a song that's been kicking around for almost 10 years
and they finally recorded it. It's one of the most
beautiful I think they've ever written. Up there with
"how to disappear completely" or "no surprises" methinks.
You know, back when they wrote songs with real chord
changes and not just Thom stream of consciousing over
keep it up. bang bang!
subject: re: four limbs simultaneously
> Wow. I think you've hit the nail on the head with
> both those records (although I haven't really
> heard the I and W one too much yet). You should
> write for pitchfork or something. Do yourself a
thats really funny to think about. the not musician of
the family...i guess my music sensibilities have gotten
a lot sharper and i can hear things in a lot
more sophisticated way nowadays. (have you listened to
that radiolab thing yet?)
> favor and go back to track 3, "Nude". It's a song
> that's been kicking around for almost 10 years
> and they finally recorded it. It' one of the most
> beautiful I think they've ever written. Up there
> with "how to disappear completely" or "no surprises"
> methinks. You know, back when they
> wrote songs with real chord changes and not just
> Thom streamn of consciousing over some vamp.
yeah, that one was the breath of fresh air on the album.
i totally agree. and that next track feels very amnesiac
and has some good energy, too...
(you sound like a good critic too, we should write joint
articles that are just us talking to each other about
music. or we should record the conversations and
put them up on justin's website...or maybe thats just
for local underground stuff...) and whats up with them
not writing real songs? It kinda drives me crazy. their
songs used to go places. now they just hang out somewhere.
its a cool somewhere, but its not as interesting to be
taken to a place to stand still as it is to be taken on a
journey. ah well.
im going on a 'date' to the SAM today. my first time going
there. cant wait to see the cornell boxes.
subject: re: four limbs simultaneously
> thats really funny to think about. the not musician of
> the family...
> (have you listened to
> that radiolab thing yet?)
you bet your eardrums! wow! that's good radio.
> yeah, that one was the breath of fresh air on the
> album. i totally agree. and that next track feels very
> amnesiac and has some good energy, to'o...
> (you sound like a good critic too, we should write
> joint articles that are just us talking to each other
> about music. or we should record the conversations and
> put them up on justin's website...or maybe thats just
> for local underground stuff...)
yeah. I had an idea to do that in a car with kent or brian.
it would be really fun but i don't know if anyone would
want to listen to it. but on the other hand, look at
> and whats up with them not writing real songs? it
> kinda drives me crazy. their songs used to go places.
> now they just hang out somewhere. its a cool
> somewhere, but its not as interesting to be taken to a
> place to stand still as it is to be taken on a
> journey. ah well.
couldn't agree more. they could never write another song
like paranoid android. they're just not young and
ambitious enough anymore.
> im going on a 'date' to the SAM today. my first time
> going there. cant wait to see the cornell boxes.
ooooh! a date! huh?
some grad students at the school are showing some of
cornell's films today. I'll let you know what they're like.
here's to creepy music and creepy art boxes!!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
In the last few years, when we were living a few blocks apart in
So, sometime last year we’re hanging out, not really thinking we would play anything at the open mic night that Friday, cuz its already Tuesday night, late, and we haven’t thought of anything to cover. But he and I and my roommate are on the couch chatting in the mostly darkness and seth grabs the guitar and starts playing the rhythm part of a slow song we both are in love with that season. I start to hum the melody as he half-sings the harmony, and our voices are really close in timbre and tone and its still and sad and beautiful. “lets do this one Friday night.” And my roommate, who has been listening with her eyes closed says “please, it was so pretty. Everyone will love it.” So, he shows me the chords and how to strum the rhythm and I bumble thru it a bit. “okay, so if you do that part, ill play slide over it in the solo sections and it’ll sound nice.” “show me again? I cant get the rhythm right.” “just listen to the cd, you’ll get it.” And I try, but Wednesday night I’m busy and Thursday I practice but it doesn’t sound right and I call him and he has rehearsal with someone else. And I worry cuz my hand isn’t really strong enough for bar chords and it doesn’t feel natural enough to perform yet. And then it’s Friday and before we set up I have him show me again but I don’t want to tire out my hands right before the performance, so I rig a couple lights while he sets up the sound and aaron puts up chairs and sean gets the keg. And then everything is ready and people are showing up, and we have drinks in our hands and I ask seth when he wants to go and he says “later, I dunno. I have to perform with like, 4 people tonight.
At this point I realize I have this piece of gum in my mouth but I don’t really have time to spit it out, and swallowing it makes me gag, so instead I just tuck it away in the back of my mouth. And we start over and he kinda shakes his head like things aren’t really coming together musically and my fingers fumble and he tries to cover it and I realize how desperately unprepared I am for this performance. And it makes my hands shake a little bit and I look over at him and hes not really in performance condition, not for a slow, quiet song that takes concentration cuz you can hear every mistake. and im making quite a few. And then I realize id never practiced playing and singing this one before and I cant remember the lyrics and play the right chords simultaneously. So by now we have restarted 3 times and the audience who loves us is getting bored. They wont sweep us, but it’s a bit embarrassing by now. But I tell myself its okay, its late and no one is at the top of their game. So I buck up, and open my mouth to start over one more time knowing ill get it right this time and we will get thru the song somehow and itll be okay even with so many false starts and seth will not feel like he had to carry me thru the performance like he did with so many other people that night. And my jaw lifts, bringing the gum with it and somehow it snaps right into the mic . and it carries thru the room as I start the first note of the song. And he stops playing and turns to me sharply. I look over at him and he says, on mic, “did you just snap your gum?” in the most offended tone and before I can say “yeah, sorry” he has turned to the audience , which is dead silent, and says straight into the mic “did she just snap her gum?” there is ascent coming from the room and he goes on, indignant “I cant believe she just snapped her gum. How unprofessional” and I hear the facetiousness in his voice, but he is still pointedly making fun. not that hes actually upset, but its still all at my expense on stage in front of the whole crew. And yet, im thinking ‘thank god he’s given up trying to flounder thru the song. This is my chance to exit without getting swept or making people suffer thru another performance of a dumb girl trying to be a musician. And there he is, railing about how unprofessional I am and how all he asks for is a little respect—“am I right or am I right?” he asks the audience. And im up out of my seat, swinging my guitar off my shoulder cuz its my turn to act indignant and offended. I say “that’s it. I cant work with him.. I give up.” And everyone reacts strongly to this. They aren’t used to this kind of confrontation. I realize im overcompensating for my embarrassment with mock rage that people are taking more seriously than I meant them to, but its too late to back down cuz tim is up out of his seat trying to diffuse the situation, trying to get us to play another song with him, but ive decided to go with the strong choice ive made and act the part. So I hand tim my guitar and say “you deal with him, I refuse.” And I storm off stage. Seth is now telling tim how he is right to be upset with me and in the back of the room someone calls “siblings and alcohol don’t mix” and I flip him the bird before sitting down. He is still harping on my gum and tim is trying to get a new song started when I realize how much fun seth his having with this scene. And I refuse to let him have all the fun. So I make another strong acting choice to escalate things to high drama—I walk back up to him on stage as he mentions my gum I take it out of my mouth and stick it to the center of his forehead with my thumb. the room makes a groaning noise, a combination of enjoyment and dread and I storm away and sit. And try to not burst out laughing. That whole thing was so fun. I have no anger left, I don’t care that my brother just shot down any pretentions I had of being a serious musician in a room of musicians, cuz im not. And i know it. I am, however, an actor and felt that my performance was stellar. Now seth and a couple friends are in the middle of a very sloppy rendition of something and my roommate is fretting about the state of my relationship with my brother and whether we will be able to reconcile and I am just highly amused. he might not even remember this moment tomorrow and I had a lot of fun getting so upset and blowing up at him and having him yell at me and then be completely done a minute later. That’s why we get along. We are family and work the same way and don’t have to worry. We can call each other out and blow up and boil over and be frustrated and mean, but never really try to hurt each other. And we both know that. And hes just enjoying being mean for once in his life and im enjoying watching him be over the top.
And it gets better. A couple of songs later when its clear to everyone that seth has just had way too much to drink and is being sort of categorically an asshole for once in his super-nice-boy life, I laugh with glee when he refuses to be swept and yells into the mic at the person trying to coax him off stage “MY PARTY!” I have to keep myself from applauding. He has one-upped me as usual—taken the performance to new heights. Or depths, if you prefer. He wins once again. “MY PARTY” he insists in a 4 year-old kind of drunkenness, insistent and convinced of the truth of the statement. “am I right or am I right?” he asks. And we really cant deny him. He is right, tho it was somewhat bad taste to point this out to all those who had tried for a few minutes of fame even if he was necessary in the background to make it happen.
I left town the next morning for a couple days and then had a lot of work to catch up on so when I saw him for the first time after that night it had been a whole week. We are at Sunday dinner at mom and dad’s and I start right into a conversation with him. I pause, confused by his sheepishness, until he says “I’m sorry about Friday night.” I start, taking a second to get what he’s referring to. “oh, god, don’t worry about it, id almost forgotten.” id already told a friend the whole story to make him laugh and knew then that I had no hard feelings. “you’re not mad?” “no, why would I be. I let it go that night.” “everyone told me you had been really mad. I guess I offended Margaret later and she wouldn’t talk to me most of the week.” “oh, no worries, I’ve just been busy. Besides, I was the one who stuck gum on your forehead.” “really? I don’t remember that.” “damn, that was my favorite part.” He can see I take it all as a big joke and I think he feels a little put out. “I’m sorry if you were made to think I was angry. And I’m sorry I didn’t call you this week to let you know I wasn’t I honestly didn’t think about it.” I feel bad for a minute and then think that’s what he gets for being drunk enough to have to rely on other people’s interpretation of events. “no one can hold a grudge when they know you are never like that. It’s not like you will be an asshole like that again for at least a year.” “yeah. I just don’t know if I will be able to live that display down. Everyone keeps using my phrase back at me.” He sounds a little harassed, and maybe he deserves it. “which one? ‘my party’?” “no. god, I barely remember that. I cant believe I said that.” A chagrined chuckle emerges from him as I grin from ear to ear and tell him: “well, you weren’t wrong, bro. they just hate to admit it. I mean, am I right or am I right?”
So we are riding our bikes back home [to our apartment on the campus of
Anyway, its midwinter and it’s chill and damp and we are headed home to our cold apartment on campus to get under our big heavy comforters and watch a pirated movie on my laptop. And, not surprisingly, we ride past some people shooting off fireworks. This happens in at least 3 locations in town every night when it gets dark enough. It’s one of the few things to do in town.
And I know the Chinese invented gunpowder for this exact purpose, and they know how to make them, the probably supply America with all of ours, but I’ve never 1) been this close to people setting them off, and I mean actual rockets that are red and green and explode in the standard bloom shape, and 2) seen one explode maybe 30 ft above an intersection where people are walking and riding their bikes and kids are playing.
And I know I should be more worried about the SARS epidemic that has just hit the news, or protecting my mental and emotional health which is strained living under a very stringent, repressive, communist government/school administration, or fearing that every one of my kids will have their beautiful, bouncy energy and curiosity for life squelched out of them through the mind-numbing educational system, but instead, I’m freaking out about the personal safety of the guy setting of fireworks with a faulty cigarette lighter on the street corner and whether the rocket will shoot straight up, or somehow angle itself toward my head.
I should feel exhilarated by the celebratory nature of these loud expressions of joy—I’m sure it’s someone’s birthday or some happy occasion for the family, but I can’t handle when everything reverberates and I feel like my chest is being knocked on and the shrapnel rains down upon us. It feels like a war zone.But they tell us we are safe. So what can we do but believe them, even as all the evidence points to the opposite? Like the sign posted near the back gate of campus: “SARS: Smile And Retain Smile.” Gallows humor, maybe, but its better than crying every night.
So im in a train station in
As I watch people bid on this treasure trove, I notice that even after they have paid for their little jewel they don’t even peek inside it. This apparent lack of interest seems absurd to me cuz im hooked on the thrill of the chase. The only reason to bid on something, in my mind, would be to dissect it and glean from its contents something about its owner. Maybe even figure out what happened them or why they didn’t retrieve their stuff. I almost raise my hand to bid on the next duffle bag but I only have maybe 5 euro to last me till I get to
But what would it be like to arrive at a train station with no luggage, buy one of these bags and just head out on a trip with only what was inside it? Is there toothpaste? Underwear? If so, is it clean? Would the clothes fit? Maybe there are only cans of beans, and if so, did someone remember to pack a can opener? Who packs like that anyway? And while im at it, who leaves what they packed at a train station, never to return? I would be at a complete loss without the pack at my feet. I spent a week before I left, packing and repacking it, carefully weighing the usefulness of each object versus the space it took up, not to mention its heaviness. I pared down to only the essentials for this month-long trip thru
I dunno, its hard to explain. You are in this foreign country, where everything looks different than what you expect, so that’s disorienting, and people are speaking in a language that you don’t know, and that’s alienating, and then you cant read any signs anywhere unless they have pictures, and all of a sudden you understand how isolated you are without language. And you walk around with the constant sound of unintelligible speech in your ears and your senses reach for anything you could possibly understand, and it’s exhausting.
But then you start to notice visual things on a different level and you glean information by body language and context and you get really good at charades and sound effects because how else do you impart meaning? I explained to my English students in
They found it kind of hilarious and kind of vulgar, but who knows the word for appendectomy in a foreign language?
So, you get good at describing complicated things in the few simple words they know, you get good at completing unfinished sentences and deciphering imprecise meanings. You get really good at phrasing English in the word order of that country’s language. You lose the possibility of nuance and tact. You don’t understand what is unspoken, since you are barely catching what is spoken.
And as a last resort, you use the phrases in their textbook because you know they memorized them exactly like that, assuming that’s how people actually speak.
Hello. Hello, how are you? Fine, and you? Fine, thank you.
But then, wonder of wonders, language actually works for communication.
I’m sitting on a bench on campus of the Chinese middle school where I live and work, thinking about my lesson plan for the afternoon.
Enter Sam: about 11yrs old, really energetic and likeable, always in a good mood, sharp when he’s paying attention. He’s trotting past me and when I look up, he stops. He makes a tiny bow and says “Hello, Rachel.” I smile at his formality, his respect for his teacher and out of both delight and politeness, I say “hello, sam. How are you?” he responds as he has been taught, “fine, and you?” at which point I realize we are acting out a lesson from class and I never bothered to learn my lines. So I say, “fine, thank you.” And he nods. Successful transaction. I nod, he skips away.
This exact scene plays out about once a week for the rest of the semester. We both enjoy it and sometimes we even spice it up with new vocabulary from class, and sometimes we just ask each other how we are. And we are doing fine. And we feel that legitimately, and want to know it sincerely, and at some point I realize it doesn’t matter what we say, but that we have a moment of connection, and I am grateful to same and his script. It’s the one thing I know for sure will work.
Have you read Rilke's letters yet? Do it soon. He understands why this growing up thing is so hard. Here, listen.
"Sex is difficult; yes. But they are difficult things with which we have been charged; almost everything serious is difficult, and everything is serious. If you only recognize this and manage, out of yourself, out of your own nature and ways, out of your own experience and childhood and strength to achieve a relation to sex wholly your own (not influenced by convention and custom), then you need no longer be afraid of losing yourself and becoming unworthy of your best possession."
For me, it's all about the boy. The boy haunts me. Maybe he haunts everyone, I dunno. He's the one who doesn't grow up. He's my favorite. He is Timmy, he is Peter Pan, he is whatever boy I'm all about, He is me when I'm feeling most myself and then he is completely the other. God, He is flight. He is freedom and spontaneity and escape and possibility and success and height. To Get High. Literally. He is a drug, he is a lover, he's a shadow, he is an ideal, he is a fucking fury. He is everything to me and yet he is nothing. He's who I want to see in the mirror, and then he's you half the time.
He started as a feeling about myself. As a kid I was an all out tomboy. Okay, so not much has changed, but still…even back then I had short hair. Boy short. I loved it cuz it helped me fit in. Cuz I was always one of the rough and tumbles, my gruff little husky voice mingling, my soccer playing on par, my tree climbing skills competing with the best of the boys on my block. And I only wore blue boy clothes, if I could help it. So the hair just completed the image. I can't tell you how many times some kid would come up to me on the playground and say, "are you a boy or a girl?" and I would want to hit them or run away or sometimes I would feel like crying, but always I would say, "what do you think?" like they were so stupid that they had to ask. Cuz I was always so angry that they needed to know so bad. I always felt that it was the height of rudeness, not that they couldn't tell, but that it mattered. That my private body parts were allowed to be part of blacktop conversation. I wanted to say "it's none of your business" but that wouldn't really make sense to a 7 year old. Not that it made sense to me at the time either, it's just what I wanted to say. Sometimes I'd say, "why does it matter?" and they would look at me like I was an alien or something, which I wished I was so I didn't have to feel like I was caught in between two polar opposites—I didn't discover the gender spectrum till college—"cuz it DOES," they would say. It does matter. People need to know what side of the coin you are on so they know how to treat you. Cuz all interaction is gendered. Nobody knows what to do with you if you don't fit into either/or.
Then this feeling was given an image with Timmy. He was my favorite cousin. He was a mischievous little imp, a total instigator, but he also was the one who looked out for us younger kids. He was the golden child, always making everyone smile, becoming the favorite of our entire hot-blooded Italian clan. My adoration of Timmy bordered on worship. He knew it and was gentleman enough not to mention it or let it affect how we played together. God I remember his face-- the barely contained laugh in his smirky smile--when he had thought of some great game to embark upon and he was about to let me in on the fun. His eyes would really shine like stars. (second to the right and straight on till morning) I followed him around like a puppy dog. Loyal to the end. Which came in the form of an inoperable brain tumor, causing a gut-dropping descent into death when he was nine years old. Nine years. He never got to live beyond that. He'd be almost 30 now. I can't imagine him at that age. I don't want to. He will always be a little boy. And I'm so jealous of that. Both the 'always' part and the 'boy' part. Cuz my way of grieving him has been to keep his image of eternal boyness very real inside of me—make it my ideal and my shadow. And still I catch myself believing I can keep alive that time when we were both young and invincible, by finding someone who fits his role, or by acting out his part myself. The boy who would not grow up.
And then this image became a reality with Peter Pan. When I was a senior in college, my dorm mates and I declared war on our friends who had an off-campus house named "Pirate House". We pronounced ourselves the lost boys and had a crowing contest to see who would play Peter. I won. We each played a part and stole their jolly roger flag which started us pranking our way thru our last months in neverland before graduation. it was fun, but I realize now I wasn't just playing. That year I was learning to navigate the world Peter Pan inhabits of being a 'betwixt and between' not a human boy, not a bird either, but an eternal youth who can fly—who is capable of anything. Cuz here's the trick—this is why Peter Pan is such a fascinating dramatic character--cuz he is a young boy, but is traditionally played on stage by a grown woman. So there is this gender fuck going on where this actress, like her character, will never grow up to be a man only because she is not male and she will continue to look like a boy specifically because she chooses to not look like a girl. So you're refusing to play by the rules of society not by refusing to physically grow up, but refusing to act out your gender role, which in a lot of minds is how you show that you are grown-up. Such a refusal puts you betwixt and between where anything is possible. And when I say you, I mean me, but I also mean you.
Cuz now there is this potential with you. What kind? I don't know. Cuz if asked "are you a boy or a girl?" I would answer one way and you the other, yet in practice we go back and forth. And neither of us knows how to navigate between where you begin and where I end mostly because the shapes we have don't keep still long enough to fit together—like Tink never standing still long enough for you to see her. But if I'm not playing woman and you aren't playing man are we both playing boy? Is that okay? Are we playing for keeps? what roles aren't possible at this point? Cuz there is a lot of ground to cover in the betwixt and between. And tho I have no idea where we might land, all I really know how to do is take your hand and try to fly.
The other day I was walking my wet bike home from work thru the park on Capitol Hill, when I came across a little league game. I would have walked past it, except the team that had just retired the side and was flooding the dugout near me had on Cubs jerseys. I had a breath of nostalgia run thru me and stopped to feed the homesick hunger my teams colors evoked in me. I leaned my bike against a wall and half sat on the horizontal crossbar. So as I watched the kids throw and catch, the former a little wildly, the latter, rarely, and the dads talk about opening day at Safeco Field and the Mariners prospects this year, I realized how much baseball is a part of my life.
I am from Chicago, where we have two teams (one for each major league) that personify two sides of town (north and south) and unite (or divide) families and friends city-wide. And the loyalty is fierce. I mean, I was mildly interested that the White Sox were in the World Series last year, I was even grudgingly happy for my friends who are diehard fans, but, oh I wish I could even begin to tell you what it was like for us two years agothe euphoria of that time when we were watching our boys in blue in October, as Wrigleys ivy was turning red and our hopes were so high it made us dizzy. But I cant revisit that. Not yet.
My love of baseball is deep. Its in my bones. As I watched the mini cubs' center fielder drop a fly ball, pick it up with his mitt and take three big hopping steps before deciding where to throw, I felt not only his emotions but the movement of his muscles. How hard it is to pick up a baseball with your glove tip, especially wearing your older brothers glove thats just too long for your hand to snap shut. Standing so near this game I can feel myself a part of so many other games as a kidI can bring up the tangy smell of the aluminum bats we used, can taste the grit of the brown dirt that clung to us, whether from sliding into second or just kicking our cleats dirty while sitting in the dugout. I can feel the supple leather of my mitt, the acid on my tongue when tightening a knot on it with my teeth. The sharp scent of the bruised grass from shuffling my feet in center field, the sting of sweat in my eyes, the slick of the catchers mask on my forehead and chin. These things are comfort food for my brain.
I hear the coach cheering and my vocal chords know the drill Go, Cubbies! almost croaks out of my own throat unbidden. The sky here is a predictable, but unfamiliar dark and shifting grey, allowing a respite from the rain for a few good innings at leastI never had to play under a sky like this one, in fact, what I remember most about playing little league is looking out beyond center field at the tangerine sun sitting in ready position just over the fence, looking for a fly ball to come its way. Playing outfield was never that bad when the late afternoon sun is backing you up.
Okay. So Im talking about nostalgia here. So shoot me. But its a passed down kind. I come by the love of this game honest, from both sides of the family tree. Baseball seems to be the one thing my grandfathers had in common. They were very different menone a hard-headed, hot-tempered engineer, and the other a level-headed, soft-spoken banker. Or so Im told, they both passed away before I was born. But I have heard my parents tell of their memories of each of their fathers listening to games on the radio while fixing stuff around the house. These memories always surfaced when we were painting the garage or stripping the trim on the house; always when Grandpa Foxs old transistor radio had been pulled out and tuned in to catch the static roar of fans punctuated by cracks of the bat. I sometimes confuse my dads memories of the baseball stars of his youth and pick-up games in the park with my own. He had such a mythic attitude towards themthe golden days of the game. Maybe it was no different then, maybe its Dads nostalgia colored, like mine, as it was understood by a 10 year old. But still, in some ways that feeling is tradition, something reverently enacted in deference to earlier timesa bit of how I feel when I hear Casey at the bat the way I smile when I see Babe point with his bat, even if Ive only witnessed it on old film stock in retrospectives Its a cultural phenomenon shared thru timeharkening back to the good old days whatever those are. Its a part of the root structure of so many Americans identities. I mean, Ken Burns did an epic series on it for Christs sake. Its about as American as you can get.
But there is something about baseball that I dont understand, cuz it can be boring and slow. And kinda pointless, and kinda weirdly individualistic, what with the role of a pitcher and everyone batting one at a time. Much more so than other team sports like soccer which I love and wish
Because this sport is also oddly difficult. The skill required in hitting a 90mph fastball with a bata ball 3 inches in diameteris kind of obscene. The concentration and stamina it takes to be ready for any given fielding opportunity, and then to actually perform each of them is monumental. Not to mention the patience and attention span needed to hurry up and wait. How on earth did we decide it was a good idea for children to play this game? Attention span alone, not to mention eye/hand coordination and reflexes, but dealing with personal tragedies like striking out every time you are up for 9 innings straight, or dropping the ball that allows the winning run to score, and the juvenile shunning that accompanies them, my god. Separately, these are hard things to do, but all at the same time? When I think of all of this, I remember some painful moments and vow to protect my progeny from such humiliations. I cant lie and say all my memories are good, but I can say they are vivid and very much a part of who I am whether I want them to be or not.
And sometimes I dont. sometimes the whole baseball and apple pie thing makes me gag. Whose country, whose history is this? Not a lot of people I know. And most of the time I wouldnt be caught dead identifying myself as American in any way, especially not having to do with the grossly overpaid and self-aggrandized professional sports culture that has been created. But still, baseball gets to me. I choke up at the seventh inning stretch, if not the national anthem. I get caught up in it like a dramatic movie, and most of all, I remember the feeling of putting on my mitt on a mid-summer afternoon and having it feel like a part of my hand. I revel in thinking about how my ten-year-old self, along with my brother and neighbors, used to play whiffle ball (just like dads stick ball, but plastic) in the alley behind our house, home plate spray painted on the cement. Third base was a section of the garage door, so you were counted safe as often with your hands as with your feet. And there were two people per team, so there were tons of ghost runners who were exactly as fast as you and couldnt be tagged out, but a force totally counted. I loved those times most when it was more dark than dusk and from center field (the only field attached to our super-narrow diamond) I could hear the whir of the whiffle off johnnies fingers, almost feel the power of the cut seth made with the thin bat, sense where the ball started hanging in the air and be ready to catch it and tag the bag before annie reached it. Of course then wed have to call the game cuz dads headlights were shining in our eyes and he was waiting to remove third base and park the car. That time of day always meant we were dirty and sweaty and sick of arguing over phantoms and it was time to eat dinner.
So its nostalgia, so what? Its like home cooking (which I also miss, by the way). But why baseball? Is it just shared experience? Maybe its like learning a language when you are small and forever after being able to speak like a nativemaybe baseball got soaked up in the sponge of my young mind in a way that indelibly marked methe memories of childhood too strong to overcome logically. These kids all the way out here in Seattle are having a very similar childhood experience to mine just outside Chicagosome details are different, they play on Astroturf for onebut most things havent changed. First basemen have to have good reach, shortstop is an enviable position, pitchers have a lot of pressure to deal withthese are givens in all our minds and the kids that grow up in Manchester England, though they speak our same language (albeit strangely) they dont understand the meaning of a pop fly at the bottom of the ninth with two outs like we do. Maybe I stopped today for a moment of something that reminded me of home in this far away place Ive thrown myself. And maybe its to feel more at home in this