dinner for three

dude. this month is all about excess. and paying attention. and getting much more than i was expecting. and learning how to process it all. and last night was another amazing chapter in this month-long journey.
ready for this?

jesse and becky wanted to take me out for birthday dinner so we went to this place called purple downtown and had the most amazing 3 hour long dinner ever.

we started with cocktails.
a french 75 for becky, an old-fashioned for jess, a sidecar for me

then small plates.
gorgonzola stuffed dates with pine nuts and saba, celery root and gruyere custard with pear, bitter greens and port reduction, ahi tuna tartare with lupini beans and charred scallion vinaigrette, porcini brown butter cake with mascarpone mousse and
pistachio gremolata, duck confit with le puy lentils and pickled red onion, wild mushroom strudel puff pastry and roasted pepper coulis.

we took our time with these. each had such a beautiful flavor, my god it was awesome. the small plates were quite small, but the taste was so huge, it felt like
you were eating a whole lot more.

then, cheeses with wine pairings, and for extra measure to add flavor sensations:
sliced apple, quince paste, marcona almonds, marinated olives, and a honeycomb.

half a glass of wine for each pairing, one for each of us, but we all tasted each of them with the cheeses as we picked at all of them. the cheese board came with thin dry cracker bread, and the extras were delish.

then dessert with wine pairings.
syrah brownie (as in the wine), pumpkin creme brulee with prieuré d’arche, chai bread pudding and brown butter chestnuts with a moscato, molasses stout cake, candied ginger and butterscotch sauce with a madeira, and carrot cardamom gelato and carrot cake.

yes, five desserts. again, they were small, but packed a punch. and three half glasses of wine to go with. the bread pudding and its wine and the molasses stout
cake and its wine were super amazing...and the brownie didnt need the wine with it, cuz it was already there as a sauce. that was perfect.

and then, after dinner drinks:
becky had tea and fernet branca, jess had averna amaro, and i had pastis

then we were giddy and satisfied and ready to go home.

and, get this: they paid for it. i told them i would only be willing to not pay if they promised that we could do this same thing for each of their birthdays
too. they agreed. we will now do an amazing dinner for each of our birthdays every year we live together. woot!

but yeah, that was kinda draining and energizing at the same time. i felt so good afterwards, but was really ready for bed. we got there around 7:30 and left at around 11:30. so, wow, thats 4 hours.

while we were there we had a conversation around luxury and privilege and taking things for granted and money and what we use it for. i have a very strong desire to have a really nice meal once in a while and am happy when i have enough money to do so but tho i hope to always have money for that, i will never be the kind of person that takes that sort of luxury for granted. i think partially this has to do with my catholic upbringing. i have very strong associations around eating with other people. thats the center of the catholic mass--breaking bread together. for me, to be able to make food for other people or to take them out to a nice meal and sit and enjoy it together is a really necessary and important, dare i say spiritual, need in me. and because of that im always going to be very present to the meal. both the people and the food. and last night we were very intentional with each bite and sip and it felt really good to be paying that close attention to everything, including each other. not forgetting the atmosphere too, which was kinda weird and felt like it was full of people who were not paying attention to much. ugh.

Daemon, schmaemon.

okay, kids.


i gotta tell ya, im really excited about the golden compass movie. i know there are purists out there that are upset about it and are boycotting it and all that kinda crap, but hot damn, itll be pretty!
its playing at the cinerama here in seattle (big screen, what!) so i think we should get a group to go.


and if youve read the books and are as excited as i am, you should play this game and then tell me what your daemon is. cuz its kinda crazy. i mean, 20 questions and you know what my soul looks like? yeah, right. but still, its kinda cool.

and if you havent read the books, lemme know so i can get you a copy of the first one, stat. then you must read it (well, all three of them) immediately, and then we can talk.

but until then...
every person in the world of these books has a part of them, a daemon familiar, that is a separate entity outside of themselves and takes animal form. when growing up (until puberty or, more correctly, loss of innocence) children's daemons can change shape depending on mood or necessity. your daemon's form is very indicative of your personality and can betray what you are thinking/your motives more easily than your face. it always takes the form of the "opposite" sex as yourself and thinks separate thoughts and has separate emotions and sometimes separate experiences than you, but you two are of the same stuff, you share a soul and the connection between you is the strongest bond in nature and you cannot be physically separated by more than maybe ten feet (unless you are a witch...) or you both will feel physical pain--your hearts will ache severely and you will get nauseated to the extreme.
upon reaching maturity, your daemon will settle into a specific animal form and no longer change at whim. this form speaks volumes as to the type of person you are. so this means that people, upon first meeting you, can learn a lot about you just by looking at your daemon. which is kinda disconcerting to me, but well, its a fantasy world and is supposed to be working on image-based metaphors, so i should just let it go.

but this idea of having a daemon made its way into my psyche somehow, and i really do think of the world in terms of what type of daemon people have. its the first question i ask people when i learn they have read the books: whats your daemon look like?

once my friend shoe (or 'xiu') asked me what my three favorite animals were, and why. and i thought about it for a second and answered as follows (i think this was the right order):



the raven, cuz it is a big, awe-inspiring dark thing that is so striking against the sky. and its loud. and it can FLY, for gods sake. and it has been a nickname of mine starting in jr high. (and i love e.a.poe.)



the fox, cuz it is effing beautiful, and mysterious and nimble and wiley. like a wolf and a cat mixed, or something. and my moms maiden name is fox. and well, to tell you the truth, i was in love with the disney robin hood as a child. (ive always had a thing for red-heads...)

the raccoon, cuz it is cute and playful and smart and stubborn. and in grade school i had a dream that became a story about where their masks and tail-rings came from. one of my best pieces of writing as a kid. and i once bonded with a roving family of raccoons in grinnell. we shared some ice cream.

After I answered, he smiled and told me that it was a psychological test. The first animal was how I see myself, the second how I am seen by others, and the third is who I really am.



at which point i laughed ruefully and became totally amused that i tend to go by 'rayvan fox' and wear a grey and white hat with black ears attached to it...sheesh.

[drawing by clyde petersen]

and now this game has told me i am:

spontaneous, modest, competitive, sociable and fickle.
(which, you know, is not wrong...per se...)

and therefore, i have a jackal daemon. named cleon.
(how close are jackals to foxes? pretty damned near, id say...)

a jackal sounds slightly more sinister, but maybe its just trying to be a combination of a raven, a fox and a raccoon. ah, well. ill take it.

(i think i got an ermine before, when i took it months ago when i first learned about the movie website...but i always said my daemon hadnt settled yet...)

circles back around

so, 3 years ago i had this moment in time where everything in my life kinda collapsed and it was heralded by three really upsetting/annoying episodes of something completely failing on me: #1 my GI tract--i got salmonella poisoning and was sick and dehydrated for 5 days. #2 my computer--it completely crashed and i couldnt restore it without losing everything on it. #3 my knee--it randomly slipped out of joint for 2 days and then miraculously went back into place of its own accord one night and i woke up mobile again.
now, in the past 2 weeks i have #1--had a nasty case of the flu that laid my out for 3 days straight. #2--had my computer completely collapse on me and had to save the files and reload my operating system and download all my applications again (im still scared to try to put all my music from my ipod back on my itunes, but soon...) and now, (drumroll please...) #3. yep. you guessed it. dancing at sunset house on friday, my knee gave out, in the same way it did 3 years ago. i dont understand, but its excruciating. its like a tendon slid underneath my kneecap and is resting on a nerve. and it gets more painful the more i unbend my knee. shitty. and makes me immobile. crap.
so, ive been hopping around my house all weekend, and my housemates have been angels, and i am bored out of my gourd and ingesting stupid amounts of painkillers.
so this is what i have run across on the interweb to distract me. my two new favorite music videos:




holla if you wanna distract me with something.

creepy music/creepy art boxes

Subject: cuz its free

Sorry I never got back to you last night. Hope you enjoyed
the flicker bout Kurt. 
What do you think of the new Radiohead? and don't tell me
you haven't heard it!

Brother
**************************
subject: re: cuz its free

> Sorry I never got back to you last night. Hope you
> enjoyed the flicker bout Kurt. 

i did. it was great. he didnt say anything i didnt already
know, but it was beautiful and so great to hear his own
voice saying it. images of aberdeen and olympia and
seattle, people places and things. Didnt see his face till
the last 30 seconds. none of his music. all bands that he
liked was influenced by or got to introduce to the world.
it was really awesome.

> What do you think of the new Radiohead? and don't
> tell me you haven't heard it!

we played it yesterday during our 'crafternoon' which was
really fun, but it was my first listen and it was
background music for interaction. but now that i have it
in my head a bit i will give it a good listen and tell you
what i think...

speaking of that--the idea that it takes a bit for your
brain to register and order new sound so you can under-
stand it--we listened to this most amazing radio program
on the radiolab website that blew my mind 7 times in the
hearing. its about music and the brain. and its fucking
fascinating. for real. listen by yourself or in a room
that you can make noises while listening cuz itll cause
them. it talks about perfect pitch and tonal languages,
it talks about sound as touch and how it works in the
brain, it talks about dissonance and how we assimilate
it, it talks about everything. its amazing. PLEASE
listen to it. if only for the editing genius of it. 

so, you listen to radiolab, ill listen to radiohead and we
will get back to each other.

love
sis
**************************

subject: four limbs simultaneously



this is me playing drums.
      1     2     3     4     1
hi    x  x  x  x  x  x  x oXo x 
snare       x           x
bass  x           x  x        x

(where oXo is hit with hi hat open.)

check out the double hit on the bass drum. 

im very proud of this beat and the fact that i can do
all four limbs at once after just a couple hours practice
today. 

okay. ill stop bugging you with my drum-mania now.

Love
sis

***********************

subject: re: four limbs simultaneously

Rockin!  Sounds great! 
I'm going to be teaching official drum lessons to Terisa
(remember her?) starting on Sunday. 
If I come across any amazing teaching techniques, I'll be
sure to send them your way. Looks like you're on the right
track though!

DRUMMMMMZZ!

*************************

subject: re: four limbs simultaneously

> Rockin!  Sounds great! 

thanks for being enthusiastic. you are the best.

> I'm going to be teaching official drum lessons to
> Terisa (remember her?) starting on Sunday. 

the one with the stellarly beautiful and magical child?
that sounds fun.
you know, you could prolly make a good amount of money
giving drum lessons, if you wanted to...

> If I come across any amazing teaching techniques,
> I'll be sure to send them your way. Looks 
> like you're on the right track though!

yessssssss....
it just feels really good/right to be playing them. when
you get into the rhythm and arent thinking about it and
it flows, it feels good. like when i finally figure out
a sam beam picking pattern and can do it in real time. 





speaking of him, have you heard the new iron and wine?
im totally disappointed. :(  too many effects on the
vocals and too many vocal tracks layered on top of each
other. and the energy feels too light and not substantial
enough. i cant sink my teeth into most of the tracks.
there isnt breathing room. (sort of literally, you know
how he uses his breath as a percussive instrument...)

oh, and i gave Radiohead a good listen or two yesterday,
and i have to say it feels a bit derivative. nothing that
feels super new and interesting. a lot of the same sounds
and energy of kid a and eraser, nothing that blew my socks
off. And thats what they used to do to me. in fact, there
are songs on the bends and ok computer that still make me
want to scream and throw myself around. and i havent found
any of that on the new album, which is kinda sad. 

> DRUMMMMMZZ!

you said it! they make me so excited! (and sore...my
shoulders are gonna be so buff soon...heh)

did i tell you im gonna try to start a band with my
housemates? ill let you know how it turns out...

anyway, have a good day, pal.

love
champ

*************************

subject: re: four limbs simultaneously

Wow. I think you've hit the nail on the head with both
those records (although I haven't really heard the I and W
one too much yet). You should write for pitchfork or
something. Do yourself a favor and go back to track 3,
"Nude".  

It's a song that's been kicking around for almost 10 years
and they finally recorded it. It's one of the most
beautiful I think they've ever written. Up there with
"how to disappear completely" or "no surprises" methinks.
You know, back when they wrote songs with real chord
changes and not just Thom stream of consciousing over
some vamp. 

gotta go. 

keep it up. bang bang!

Seth
*************************

subject: re: four limbs simultaneously

> Wow. I think you've hit the nail on the head with
> both those records (although I haven't really 
> heard the I and W one too much yet). You should
> write for pitchfork or something. Do yourself a 

thats really funny to think about. the not musician of
the family...i guess my music sensibilities have gotten
a lot sharper and i can hear things in a lot
more sophisticated way nowadays. (have you listened to
that radiolab thing yet?)

> favor and go back to track 3, "Nude". It's a song
> that's been kicking around for almost 10 years 
> and they finally recorded it. It' one of the most
> beautiful I think they've ever written. Up there 
> with "how to disappear completely" or "no surprises"
> methinks. You know, back when they 
> wrote songs with real chord changes and not just
> Thom streamn of consciousing over some vamp. 

yeah, that one was the breath of fresh air on the album.
i totally agree. and that next track feels very amnesiac
and has some good energy, too... 
(you sound like a good critic too, we should write joint
articles that are just us talking to each other about
music. or we should record the conversations and
put them up on justin's website...or maybe thats just
for local underground stuff...) and whats up with them
not writing real songs? It kinda drives me crazy. their
songs used to go places. now they just hang out somewhere.
its a cool somewhere, but its not as interesting to be
taken to a place to stand still as it is to be taken on a
journey. ah well.

im going on a 'date' to the SAM today. my first time going
there. cant wait to see the cornell boxes.

later, skater
(pow, crash!)
--raych
*********************

subject: re: four limbs simultaneously

> thats really funny to think about. the not musician of
> the family...

not anymore...

> (have you listened to
> that radiolab thing yet?)

you bet your eardrums! wow! that's good radio. 

> yeah, that one was the breath of fresh air on the
> album. i totally agree. and that next track feels very
> amnesiac and has some good energy, to'o... 
> (you sound like a good critic too, we should write
> joint articles that are just us talking to each other
> about music. or we should record the conversations and
> put them up on  justin's website...or maybe thats just
> for local underground stuff...)

yeah. I had an idea to do that in a car with kent or brian.
it would be really fun but i don't know if anyone would
want to listen to it. but on the other hand, look at
"sound opinions"

> and whats up with them not writing real songs? it
> kinda drives me crazy. their songs used to go places.
> now they just hang out somewhere. its a cool
> somewhere, but its not as interesting to be taken to a
> place to stand still as it is to be taken on a
> journey. ah well.

couldn't agree more. they could never write another song
like paranoid android. they're just not young and
ambitious enough anymore. 

> im going on a 'date' to the SAM today. my first time
> going there. cant wait to see the cornell boxes.

ooooh! a date! huh?
some grad students at the school are showing some of
cornell's films today. I'll let you know what they're like. 

here's to creepy music and creepy art boxes!!

seth
**********************

selph-ish

In the last few years, when we were living a few blocks apart in Chicago, my musician brother and I had this habit of playing guitar and singing together when the two of us hung out. And periodically we’d figure out something cool to share with his crew at “open mic night.” This night was in the warehouse space he and his friends lived in and used as a concert venue for the music scene they were a part of. We would set up a stage in the living room cum concert hall and all our friends would get together and drink and play songs for each other all night. It was just performing for friends, but it was still a performance. He loved hosting those nights, being a ubiquitous presence on the stage, being a part of many of the acts. He’s an extremely nice guy, and can’t say no to anyone. Ever. But especially to anyone who wanted to play a song with him on those nights. And everyone wanted to play with him cuz he could play any instrument well enough to back you up while you tried to be a rockstar for 5 minutes. And maybe you got swept off the stage with the broom cuz you sucked but at least there was the rule that the sweeper had to get up next and rock harder than you. And usually my brother backed him up too, so at least none of us were fooling ourselves into believing we were actually better than anyone else, even the seth, really.

So, sometime last year we’re hanging out, not really thinking we would play anything at the open mic night that Friday, cuz its already Tuesday night, late, and we haven’t thought of anything to cover. But he and I and my roommate are on the couch chatting in the mostly darkness and seth grabs the guitar and starts playing the rhythm part of a slow song we both are in love with that season. I start to hum the melody as he half-sings the harmony, and our voices are really close in timbre and tone and its still and sad and beautiful. “lets do this one Friday night.” And my roommate, who has been listening with her eyes closed says “please, it was so pretty. Everyone will love it.” So, he shows me the chords and how to strum the rhythm and I bumble thru it a bit. “okay, so if you do that part, ill play slide over it in the solo sections and it’ll sound nice.” “show me again? I cant get the rhythm right.” “just listen to the cd, you’ll get it.” And I try, but Wednesday night I’m busy and Thursday I practice but it doesn’t sound right and I call him and he has rehearsal with someone else. And I worry cuz my hand isn’t really strong enough for bar chords and it doesn’t feel natural enough to perform yet. And then it’s Friday and before we set up I have him show me again but I don’t want to tire out my hands right before the performance, so I rig a couple lights while he sets up the sound and aaron puts up chairs and sean gets the keg. And then everything is ready and people are showing up, and we have drinks in our hands and I ask seth when he wants to go and he says “later, I dunno. I have to perform with like, 4 people tonight. Ill let you know.” So I sit back and it’s a full night and there are lots of newbies in the crowd and on stage and not all of them are very good, but we are a generous group when we’ve had a few beers, and since everyone gets up at some point we only sweep people off when they are being self-indulgent or really, almost purposefully bad. So, boy is up on stage quite a bit, doing solos, playing with his band members or friends, backing up a couple of girls who wanna sing covers. And later on there is this moment when his patience gets tried by this girl who is free-styling over his drumming and she never comes to an end, doesn’t think to finish up cuz she’s drunk and not paying attention to how bored her audience is and seth is drunk and annoyed and I can see the frustration climb up his face and I wish I could sweep her, but don’t have enough confidence in my own act to follow it up. And after that I ask him if we can go up soon, and I realize he’s forgotten about our song. And I almost tell him we don’t have to go but he feels bad and says “yeah, let’s go.” And we get up at this late point in the night when the audience feels like talking back and my fingers are a little dumb and he’s kinda sloppy and we do sibling banter as we set up and the audience quiets down cuz they love us as a duet, they think we are really cute and they know we usually do really quiet songs. And we start—I am supposed to start, which is unusual for our performances, and I cant find the strumming pattern, so I use this other one I know and he looks over at me with a question eyebrow and I shrug. And he tries to go with it. And im also supposed to start the melody but I forget the words so we stop and start again.

At this point I realize I have this piece of gum in my mouth but I don’t really have time to spit it out, and swallowing it makes me gag, so instead I just tuck it away in the back of my mouth. And we start over and he kinda shakes his head like things aren’t really coming together musically and my fingers fumble and he tries to cover it and I realize how desperately unprepared I am for this performance. And it makes my hands shake a little bit and I look over at him and hes not really in performance condition, not for a slow, quiet song that takes concentration cuz you can hear every mistake. and im making quite a few. And then I realize id never practiced playing and singing this one before and I cant remember the lyrics and play the right chords simultaneously. So by now we have restarted 3 times and the audience who loves us is getting bored. They wont sweep us, but it’s a bit embarrassing by now. But I tell myself its okay, its late and no one is at the top of their game. So I buck up, and open my mouth to start over one more time knowing ill get it right this time and we will get thru the song somehow and itll be okay even with so many false starts and seth will not feel like he had to carry me thru the performance like he did with so many other people that night. And my jaw lifts, bringing the gum with it and somehow it snaps right into the mic . and it carries thru the room as I start the first note of the song. And he stops playing and turns to me sharply. I look over at him and he says, on mic, “did you just snap your gum?” in the most offended tone and before I can say “yeah, sorry” he has turned to the audience , which is dead silent, and says straight into the mic “did she just snap her gum?” there is ascent coming from the room and he goes on, indignant “I cant believe she just snapped her gum. How unprofessional” and I hear the facetiousness in his voice, but he is still pointedly making fun. not that hes actually upset, but its still all at my expense on stage in front of the whole crew. And yet, im thinking ‘thank god he’s given up trying to flounder thru the song. This is my chance to exit without getting swept or making people suffer thru another performance of a dumb girl trying to be a musician. And there he is, railing about how unprofessional I am and how all he asks for is a little respect—“am I right or am I right?” he asks the audience. And im up out of my seat, swinging my guitar off my shoulder cuz its my turn to act indignant and offended. I say “that’s it. I cant work with him.. I give up.” And everyone reacts strongly to this. They aren’t used to this kind of confrontation. I realize im overcompensating for my embarrassment with mock rage that people are taking more seriously than I meant them to, but its too late to back down cuz tim is up out of his seat trying to diffuse the situation, trying to get us to play another song with him, but ive decided to go with the strong choice ive made and act the part. So I hand tim my guitar and say “you deal with him, I refuse.” And I storm off stage. Seth is now telling tim how he is right to be upset with me and in the back of the room someone calls “siblings and alcohol don’t mix” and I flip him the bird before sitting down. He is still harping on my gum and tim is trying to get a new song started when I realize how much fun seth his having with this scene. And I refuse to let him have all the fun. So I make another strong acting choice to escalate things to high drama—I walk back up to him on stage as he mentions my gum I take it out of my mouth and stick it to the center of his forehead with my thumb. the room makes a groaning noise, a combination of enjoyment and dread and I storm away and sit. And try to not burst out laughing. That whole thing was so fun. I have no anger left, I don’t care that my brother just shot down any pretentions I had of being a serious musician in a room of musicians, cuz im not. And i know it. I am, however, an actor and felt that my performance was stellar. Now seth and a couple friends are in the middle of a very sloppy rendition of something and my roommate is fretting about the state of my relationship with my brother and whether we will be able to reconcile and I am just highly amused. he might not even remember this moment tomorrow and I had a lot of fun getting so upset and blowing up at him and having him yell at me and then be completely done a minute later. That’s why we get along. We are family and work the same way and don’t have to worry. We can call each other out and blow up and boil over and be frustrated and mean, but never really try to hurt each other. And we both know that. And hes just enjoying being mean for once in his life and im enjoying watching him be over the top.

And it gets better. A couple of songs later when its clear to everyone that seth has just had way too much to drink and is being sort of categorically an asshole for once in his super-nice-boy life, I laugh with glee when he refuses to be swept and yells into the mic at the person trying to coax him off stage “MY PARTY!” I have to keep myself from applauding. He has one-upped me as usual—taken the performance to new heights. Or depths, if you prefer. He wins once again. “MY PARTY” he insists in a 4 year-old kind of drunkenness, insistent and convinced of the truth of the statement. “am I right or am I right?” he asks. And we really cant deny him. He is right, tho it was somewhat bad taste to point this out to all those who had tried for a few minutes of fame even if he was necessary in the background to make it happen.

Epilogue:

I left town the next morning for a couple days and then had a lot of work to catch up on so when I saw him for the first time after that night it had been a whole week. We are at Sunday dinner at mom and dad’s and I start right into a conversation with him. I pause, confused by his sheepishness, until he says “I’m sorry about Friday night.” I start, taking a second to get what he’s referring to. “oh, god, don’t worry about it, id almost forgotten.” id already told a friend the whole story to make him laugh and knew then that I had no hard feelings. “you’re not mad?” “no, why would I be. I let it go that night.” “everyone told me you had been really mad. I guess I offended Margaret later and she wouldn’t talk to me most of the week.” “oh, no worries, I’ve just been busy. Besides, I was the one who stuck gum on your forehead.” “really? I don’t remember that.” “damn, that was my favorite part.” He can see I take it all as a big joke and I think he feels a little put out. “I’m sorry if you were made to think I was angry. And I’m sorry I didn’t call you this week to let you know I wasn’t I honestly didn’t think about it.” I feel bad for a minute and then think that’s what he gets for being drunk enough to have to rely on other people’s interpretation of events. “no one can hold a grudge when they know you are never like that. It’s not like you will be an asshole like that again for at least a year.” “yeah. I just don’t know if I will be able to live that display down. Everyone keeps using my phrase back at me.” He sounds a little harassed, and maybe he deserves it. “which one? ‘my party’?” “no. god, I barely remember that. I cant believe I said that.” A chagrined chuckle emerges from him as I grin from ear to ear and tell him: “well, you weren’t wrong, bro. they just hate to admit it. I mean, am I right or am I right?”

everything in china is safe

So we are riding our bikes back home [to our apartment on the campus of Hai-Zhong Middle School,] having just finished dinner at You Yi Si, the only restaurant in town that serves western food of any kind—han bao bao (fried chicken sandwiches) and xiu tiao (French fries). And we are 2 of 4 foreigners in this whole town which by Chinese standards is a small farming town—not in any way a center of culture, though it does have this really rich, competitive, boarding school, where we work teaching conversational English to middle school kids.

Anyway, its midwinter and it’s chill and damp and we are headed home to our cold apartment on campus to get under our big heavy comforters and watch a pirated movie on my laptop. And, not surprisingly, we ride past some people shooting off fireworks. This happens in at least 3 locations in town every night when it gets dark enough. It’s one of the few things to do in town.

And I know the Chinese invented gunpowder for this exact purpose, and they know how to make them, the probably supply America with all of ours, but I’ve never 1) been this close to people setting them off, and I mean actual rockets that are red and green and explode in the standard bloom shape, and 2) seen one explode maybe 30 ft above an intersection where people are walking and riding their bikes and kids are playing.

And I know I should be more worried about the SARS epidemic that has just hit the news, or protecting my mental and emotional health which is strained living under a very stringent, repressive, communist government/school administration, or fearing that every one of my kids will have their beautiful, bouncy energy and curiosity for life squelched out of them through the mind-numbing educational system, but instead, I’m freaking out about the personal safety of the guy setting of fireworks with a faulty cigarette lighter on the street corner and whether the rocket will shoot straight up, or somehow angle itself toward my head.

I should feel exhilarated by the celebratory nature of these loud expressions of joy—I’m sure it’s someone’s birthday or some happy occasion for the family, but I can’t handle when everything reverberates and I feel like my chest is being knocked on and the shrapnel rains down upon us. It feels like a war zone.

But they tell us we are safe. So what can we do but believe them, even as all the evidence points to the opposite? Like the sign posted near the back gate of campus: “SARS: Smile And Retain Smile.” Gallows humor, maybe, but its better than crying every night.

ostbanhof, vienna. track 4

So im in a train station in Vienna and I stumble upon this weird travel induced ritual that I had never seen before. It’s a left luggage auction. This event must happen at traveling hubs all over the world but im shocked to run across it cuz id never thought about what happens to lost baggage that isn’t claimed. Apparently, they set up a table in front of the luggage room, with a bunch of chairs facing it, and a station worker takes out each bag or package abandoned by its owner and auctions it off, contents and all. The auctioneer describe each piece on the auction block—what its made of, if it has a tear or a burn hole—surface things only, nothing about what’s inside. Then he starts the bidding. At least, I think that’s how it goes, I have only an uber-basic knowledge of German. But from what I can gather, this is what one does on a lazy Saturday morning to get rid of things no one seems to want. Cuz all the people bidding are really chill about the whole process, not even looking like they have any stake in acquiring these pieces of luggage. But I dunno, Im feeling an underlying intensity to it all that doesn’t just come from the anticipation and competition of an auction. See, everyone looks bored, but no one leaves, cuz this is so the opposite of boring. Cuz this is a secret auction—no one actually knows what they are getting inside any of these bags. I mean, here is a ton of stuff on sale here that people felt was worthy of taking with them from one place to another. Who knows what you could find in any one of these mysterious pieces of luggage? Right now, no one knows what or whose it is, where it came from, or where it was headed, but think of what you could learn when you opened one up!

As I watch people bid on this treasure trove, I notice that even after they have paid for their little jewel they don’t even peek inside it. This apparent lack of interest seems absurd to me cuz im hooked on the thrill of the chase. The only reason to bid on something, in my mind, would be to dissect it and glean from its contents something about its owner. Maybe even figure out what happened them or why they didn’t retrieve their stuff. I almost raise my hand to bid on the next duffle bag but I only have maybe 5 euro to last me till I get to Prague after dinnertime. Besides I already have a backpack.

But what would it be like to arrive at a train station with no luggage, buy one of these bags and just head out on a trip with only what was inside it? Is there toothpaste? Underwear? If so, is it clean? Would the clothes fit? Maybe there are only cans of beans, and if so, did someone remember to pack a can opener? Who packs like that anyway? And while im at it, who leaves what they packed at a train station, never to return? I would be at a complete loss without the pack at my feet. I spent a week before I left, packing and repacking it, carefully weighing the usefulness of each object versus the space it took up, not to mention its heaviness. I pared down to only the essentials for this month-long trip thru Europe. So much so, that even backpackers at hostels ask me how long I plan on traveling with so little stuff. But does the stuff in this pack represent who I am? Would someone get accurate information about me from what they would find here? A couple shirts and a skirt id never wear at home, too many handiwipes and a film canister full of hair goop. That’s not me, is it? My all-purpose soap, my pen and travel journal. That makes a bit more sense. But then, is there any combination of things i own that would really give someone sense of who I am? Id like to think im a bit more complex than that. And Im sure the original owners of all this baggage, these careless people im imagining, would feel the same way. But its from these odds and ends that we end up constructing the stories of our lives, and these are the things that stick around to be picked up by someone else and pondered after we have left this world behind.